Worst writer ever

I am diligently pursuing the worst writing career of all time. While it may sound like an insanely difficult task to you, I must confess that I think I have a made a good start on this ambition. It has been my goal for the past decade to be a writer. If you know me personally, you are aware of this odd affliction. I have talked about it publicly and repeatedly. I have used my failed attempts to write in my teaching as an example of how not to go about being successful. I have cried over it during a few self-help type of seminars. There are people I really enjoy whose company I avoid so that they do not ask me about my progress. I have given myself over to flagellation over my failings, me and the Pope dude, me and the Pope. But none of this has been enough.

However, in the midst of all that, I still don't write! You may have noticed, that this is only the second post on this blog in almost a year. I can't even make myself write on my blog! Ugh!

So, I am committing myself to writing something, daily. I am currently working on a short story. I am targeting around 6000 words for my finished product. I have been working on it for about a month. Here is what I have, in its entirety.

I am about to become the King and I am hiding. The musty smell of the room assaults my senses. For the first time since being stuffed in here by my honor guard, I pull my eyes away from the door and take a look around the room. It looks like a pantry. There are sacks of something, I don’t what it is, maybe wheat or flour, piled on shelves. There are tight woven baskets with fitted lids between me and the door. I pull one of the lids up and it reveals fresh mushrooms. They are large and dark and give off an odor

You may notice a few things.

First, it is in first person. Risky choice you say. Yes it is I respond. A little self indulgent you say. Thank you I respond. Kind of sucks you say. Thank you very much I respond. Did you really leave off in the middle of a sentence you ask. Yes I did I respond once again. That is a new kind of lazy you mention. I just nod my head and move on.

Second, it is very short if you have been working on it for an entire month. Thank you for noticing that. I spend a great deal of time ironing out each sentence. Notice the incredible construction of the sentence "It looks like a pantry." If Shakespeare can state that "Brevity is the soul of Wit" I am well practiced practitioner. (notice the amazing alliteration alluding to my resounding writing skill) It is brief and descriptive. I intend to gradually unfold that the room looks like a pantry because, wait for it, wait for it.... it is a pantry. Brilliant, I know.

Third, who is this person and why is he hiding. Oh, don't get to far ahead of yourself. My muse must marinate on this vital information. It is to be let out slowly to gather your attention.

I would like to write more, but I obviously am a very busy person. Here is a brief list of things I did yesterday instead of write.

Read Dauntless by Jack Campbell. Read Sunborn by Jeffrey A. Carver. Read i am not but i know I AM by Louie Giglio. Listened to Sun of Suns by Karl Schroeder. Burned copies of The Dawning of Power Trilogy by Brian Rathbone to listen to when I conclude Sun of Suns. I watched American Idol, Psych and my wife cuss at the State of the Union.

Thanks for coming, if anybody has come. Today, I plan to find new ways to not write anything, though I may finish my one sentence.